"What do you do with a Major League Contract? / It Sucks to be Us"

To the tune of "What do you do with a BA in English? / It Sucks to Be Me" from the musical Avenue Q
New lyrics by Deanna Rubin.

Typesetting note: Italics mean words are spoken, normal text is sung.

(The stage opens on a sidestreet in Peoria, Arizona, near the Mariners Spring Training complex. A rookie, Jeremy Reed, stands there with a suitcase and an envelope containing his invitation to Spring Training. He looks out and sings:)

JEREMY REED
What do you do with a major league contract?
Where's my career going to go?
Four years of minors with all of those whiners
Has earned me a shot at the show

I can't play the field yet
'Cause my feet ain't healed yet.
And Safeco's a big scary place..

But somehow I can't shake
The feeling I might make
A difference
In the pennant race.

(Lights up on the clubhouse, where players are starting to arrive.)

SCOTT SPIEZIO
Morning, Ryan.

RYAN FRANKLIN
What's up, Sandfrog?

SCOTT SPIEZIO
How's life?

RYAN FRANKLIN
Disappointing!

SCOTT SPIEZIO
What's the matter?

RYAN FRANKLIN (looking at the bullpen roster)
Oh, I've been left out of the rotation again.

SCOTT SPIEZIO
Oh, I'm sorry!

RYAN FRANKLIN
Me too! I mean, look at me!
Ten years playing pro ball, and I always thought...

SCOTT SPIEZIO
What?

RYAN FRANKLIN
No, it sounds stupid.

SCOTT SPIEZIO
Aww, come on!

RYAN FRANKLIN
Back in the minors, I wanted one thing.

SCOTT SPIEZIO
What?

RYAN FRANKLIN
To be a pitcher with a World Series ring.

SCOTT SPIEZIO
Oh...

RYAN FRANKLIN
But now I'm thirty-two and as you can see,
I'm not.

SCOTT SPIEZIO
Nope!

RYAN FRANKLIN
Oh well.

SCOTT SPIEZIO
Hmmm...

RYAN FRANKLIN
It sucks to be me!

SCOTT SPIEZIO
Nooo...

RYAN FRANKLIN
It sucks to be me.

SCOTT SPIEZIO
No!

RYAN FRANKLIN
It sucks to be on a losing
team and almost thirty-three
It sucks to be me.

SCOTT SPIEZIO
Oh, you think your life sucks?

RYAN FRANKLIN
I think so.

SCOTT SPIEZIO
Your problems aren't so bad!

Last year was shitty, I stunk like a turd.

RYAN FRANKLIN
You did.

SCOTT SPIEZIO
Thanks.
This year they signed those guys
To play first and third.
And me PH'ing is so fucking absurd!
So why
Can't I be a shortstop?
Fuck!
It sucks to be me!

RYAN FRANKLIN
Me too.

SCOTT SPIEZIO
It sucks to be me.

RYAN FRANKLIN
It sucks to be me.
It sucks to be Ryan--

SCOTT SPIEZIO
And Scott--

RYAN FRANKLIN
To not have a ring

SCOTT SPIEZIO
To not have a spot!

BOTH It sucks to be me.

(Richie Sexson and Bret Boone arrive at the clubhouse, babbling about something.)

RYAN FRANKLIN
Hey, Bret, Richie, can you settle something for us?
Do you have a second?

BRET BOONE
Uh... sure, I guess.

SCOTT SPIEZIO
Whose life sucks more? Ryan's or mine?

BRET AND RICHIE
Ours!

RICHIE SEXSON
We room together.

BRET BOONE
We're close as teammates can get.

RICHIE SEXSON
We've been the best of buddies...

BRET BOONE
...ever since the day we met!

RICHIE SEXSON
(loud whisper) I don't know how you guys have put up so long with Bret!

Oh, every day is an aggravation.

BRET BOONE
Come on, that's an exaggeration.

RICHIE SEXSON
You leave your gear out
You never turn off the light

BRET BOONE
Oh yeah?
You watch such stupid things
Like Napoleon Dynamite.

RICHIE SEXSON
You make the field up in Seattle we share a hell.

BRET BOONE
So do you,
That's why I'm in hell too!

RICHIE SEXSON
It sucks to be me!

BRET BOONE
No, it sucks to be me!

SCOTT SPIEZIO
It sucks to be me!

RYAN FRANKLIN
It sucks to be me!

ALL
Is there anybody here
It doesn't suck to be?
It sucks to be me!

(Everyone dances around the stage for a while humming and looking kind of goofy. Ichiro shows up and just stares at them like they're a bunch of weirdoes for a minute.)

ICHIRO
Why you all so happy?

BRET BOONE
Because our lives suck!

ICHIRO
Your lives suck? I hearing you correctly?
*Dude*.

I coming to this country
For opportunities
Broke the hits single season record
But since I'm Japanese
Those guys on Fox
Tell me "go back overseas!"
But they are suck
And now I am hitting champ
But I have no power
And I have a deadbeat centerfielder
So I get lots of field to play

It suck to be me!
It suck to be me!
I say it
Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-
Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-
Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-
Suck!
It suck to be me!

(Jeremy Reed walks up to the gates and looks around like a lost puppy.)

JEREMY REED
Umm, excuse me?

RYAN FRANKLIN
Hey there.

JEREMY REED
Umm, sorry to bother you, but I'm looking for Mariners spring training?

ICHIRO
Why you want to be going there?

JEREMY REED
Well, uh, I started in triple A, but they said I had talent and should be playing in center field for the Mariners since Randy Winn's arm sucks. And look, a "Peoria Sports Complex" sign is right over here! This must be the right place...

RYAN FRANKLIN
Oh, uh. You need to talk to the manager. Let me get him.

JEREMY REED
Great, thanks!

RYAN FRANKLIN
Yo, Mikey!

MIKE HARGROVE
I'm comin'! I'm comin'!

JEREMY REED
Oh my God!
It's Mike Hargrove!

MIKE HARGROVE
Yes I am!

I'm Michael Hargrove
The "Human Rain Delay"
I had a lot of talent
Getting umps to hold up play!
Now I'm old
And I'm glad
I don't need a toupee
But I'm here --
The manager fixing
The Mariners crew...

ALL
It sucks to be you.

SCOTT SPIEZIO
You win.

ALL
It sucks to be you.

RYAN FRANKLIN
I feel better now!

MIKE HARGROVE
Try having people stopping you to tell you
"You ain't no Lou Pinella, asshole!"
It gets old.

ALL
It sucks to be you.

The Mariners Crew
(Sucks to be me)
The Mariners Crew
(Sucks to be you)
The Mariners Crew
(Sucks to be us)
But not when
We're together.
We're together here.

The Mariners crew
We hear the fans as they boo,
Our folks do too.
'Til our trades go through
We're in the Mariners crew.

JEREMY REED
Oh, this is just *great*.

ALL
We're in the Mariners crew!

RICHIE SEXSON
You're gonna love it!

ALL
We're in the Mariners crew!

MIKE HARGROVE
Here's your locker!

ALL
Welcome to the Mariners crew!