Number Three, by They Might Flee Giants
To the tune of "Number Three" by They Might Be Giants
new lyrics by Deanna "I'll take Potent Potables for 2d8+3, Alex" Rubin


There's only two fights in me, and we just fought the third
Don't know why I cast Disintegration or used a Power Word
Spent the whole fight just trying to avoid a zombie's blade
For the two fights in me, and the third one we just played.

An ogre once told me,
"Hey, you's a tasty treat!"
An orc squad once told me
Humans are the best to eat
Now I'm in a pit trap that goes down a hundred feet 'cause

There's just two fights in me, and we just fought the third
Didn't need to use an evocation, just changed into a bird
Spent the whole time just flying to not be Prismatic Sprayed
For the two fights in me, and the third one we just played.

So I went to the Gamemaster
And I asked old whats-his-name
Could I just prepare a counterspell
Or something like the same?
He just started talking
Like a beholder's eye
"If there's just two fights in ya, dude,
Arentcha gonna die?"

So I bought myself some elven chain
And a nice scimitar
And I politely told the party
I was going to the bar
'Cause I have to keep my spirits up
Or I'll never level far
Since there's just two fights in me,
And this is number threeeeeeeeeeeeee.