"Hotel Hogwarts" to the tune of "Hotel California"
Harry-Potter-enhanced lyrics by Deanna Rubin

On a train station platform
Number 9, more or less
Young wizards are waiting
For the Hogwarts Express
They go off to learn magic
For the next seven years
Instead of boring math and history
Like their poor Muggle peers

When they get to the castle
They're rowed across the moat
And Hagrid surely scares them all
With the creatures that jump at the boat
Then they sit in the hallway
Tired and wet and dripping,
Then the students gather all around
To hear the Sorting Hat sing:

Welcome to the Hogwarts School of Magic
Such a lovely place, for a broomstick race
Plenty of rooms at the Hogwarts School of Magic
Hope you like old ghosts,
'Cause they'll be your hosts...

The brave are Gryffindor's chosen,
The wise fill Ravenclaw's slots. 
Hufflepuff has lots of loyalty
While Slytherin plots.
They compete for the House Cup
Swift swooping sweat
Quidditch makes up the most points
That the houses can get

The Defense of the Dark Arts
Puts the profs on the run... 
I mean, we haven't seen 'em last a year
Since the start of Book One
Transfiguration and Potions
Are really hard
Chasing skrewts 'till the middle of the night
Running through the yard

Welcome to the Hogwarts School of Magic
Such a lovely place, just like outer space
Plenty of fun at the Hogwarts School of Magic
You can't wave your wand 
In the land beyond

Passwords in the portraits,
Fake steps in the stairs, and then there's
Weekend trips for the third-years and up, who
Go to Hogsmeade in pairs.
And in the Great Hall nightly
They gather for a feast
Students gossip about spells and school
And the trolls and other beasts

Last thing of the school year
They're all running for the train
They have to take the Express back
To their homes, magic and mundane
"Just wait," winks Hagrid, as the 
last kids all board finally.
"Yer not allowed to do magic, yeh,
But yer cousin don't know that, now do he?"