Onto the Boat, or "How the Yo-hos REALLY got that war brig". To the tune of the opening scene from Into the Woods. By Deanna "Janthina" Rubin These names were pretty much picked arbitrarily for how they scanned with the song. I'm sorry in advance to Thanos if he ever sees this, but it just SCANNED SO WELL. Same apology to the Plunder Cats. (This may be a little out of date now, I wrote it in January 2004...) The scene opens with LILYMORGAN sitting alone on Spring island, JAMMER and NERAK sitting in a weavery that looks suspiciously like Ripping Yarns, and Jacquilynne staring off the end of a sloop. SPINN, the Narrator, steps to stage left, and starts reading: Narrator (Spinn): Once upon a time-- Lilymorgan: I wish... Narrator: --in a far-off ocean-- Lilymorgan: More than anything... Narrator (Spinn): --lived a young maiden-- Lilymorgan: More than life... Narrator (Spinn): --a brash young lass-- Lilymorgan: More than gems... Jacquilynne (Jac): I wish... Narrator (Spinn): --and a boatless Trader-- Jac: More than life... Lilymorgan, Jammer: I wish... Narrator (Spinn): --with his wife. Jac: More than anything... Lilymorgan, Jammer, Jac: More than a sloop... Nerak: I wish.. Lilymorgan: The wind is blowing to Epsilon. Jammer, Nerak: More than life.. Jac: I wish.. Lilymorgan: I wish to go down to Epsilon-- Jammer, Nerak: More than leushite.. Lilymorgan: --and the dock.. Jac: I wish my sails would give us some speed. Lilymorgan, Nerak: More than anything.. Jammer: I wish we had a boat. Jac (to the sails): Please, sail-- Nerak: I want a boat.. Jac: Raise, sail... Lilymorgan: I wish to go down to Epsilon. Jac (Overlapping): I wish you'd give us some air, or even wind.. Jammer, Nerak (Overlapping): I wish we might have a boat. All Four: I wish.. [Lights down on the stage except on Lilymorgan and Spring Island.] Autumn (to Lilymorgan): You wish to go down to Epsilon? Narrator (Spinn): The poor girl's cutter had sunk-- Autumn: You, Lilymorgan, to Epsilon? You wish to go down to Epsilon? Russel (Over): What, you, Lilymorgan, to Epsilon? Parka (Over): What, you wish to go to down to Epsilon?! All Three: To Epsilon?! Not SPRING, Epsilon??!?!?!! Narrator (Spinn): --and her crewmates had gone and formed a new crew-- Autumn: To EPSILON!!!??? Narrator (Spinn): --a woman with two dock-tarts of her own. Russel: Look at your sword! Parka: Look at your dress! Autumn: People would laugh at you-- Lilymorgan: Nevertheless-- Lilymorgan: R&P: Autumn: I still wish to go You still wish to go She still wants to go Down to Epsilon. Down to Epsilon-- Down to Epsilon-- Autumn, Parka, Russel: --and swordfight with the Devs?! (They chortle with laughter musically, then fall about out of control.) Narrator (Spinn): All three were talented at sea, but prone to wear black, and tart. [Lights up on Jac and Donquevegas, down on all other sections.] Jac, on the other hand, had no cutter, and her crewmates-- Donquevegas: I wish.. Narrator (Spinn): Well, they were not as harsh on her. Donquevegas: I wish my sloop could be a brig. I wish my boat was not a mess. I wish the ship was full of charts I wish the docks were full of rum I wish a lot of things! (to Jac) Oi, mate! What in heaven's name are you doing trying to use that hammer t'sail? Jac: I figured that since the swabbies weren't responding, I might try to carp and sail at the same time. Donquevegas: Ye've nailed the sail cloth to the deck! How many times do I have to tell ye, nail boards, not sails? Arrr. Just stick to the sails from now on. [Two knocks on Ripping Yarns's door; Nerak opens the door; it is Little Green Gunning Hood (Janthina)] Nerak: Why, come in, little girl. Janthina: I wish.. It's not for me, It's for my captain on the boat. Some cannonballs, please-- To bring my poor old frazzled captain on the boat, Just some cannonballs, please... [Jammer gives her some cannonballs they had stockpiled in the shop. Meanwhile, on Spring:] Narrator (Spinn): Lilymorgan's old captain had a surprise for her. [Autumn points towards a lovely War Brig pulling up to Spring.] Autumn: I have bought this new ship for our crew. Unfortunately, it's full of bilge water. If you can clear the lower holds again in two minutes' time, you can come up to Epsilon with us. Janthina: And perhaps a pint of rum?.. Or four?.. Lilymorgan: Fish in the sea, Fish in the holds, And the crabs, And the blowfish and jells... Janthina: ..and a bit of that grog, Please.. Lilymorgan (Over): Come, little fish. Down to the holds, And the crabs, Through the slabs, Cleared by blowfish and jells... Jac: No, raise, sail.. Lilymorgan (falling into a trance): Ahhh.. [Jellyfish swarm the lower hold] Quick, little fish, Swish through the water, Push and pump but swiftly, Move all the water Out of the hold... [While the fish clear out the hold, Don and Jac are talking:] Donquevegas: Listen well, mate. The Big Mullet just isn't worth sailing to market. Jac: But, Don, no-- it's the best ship-- Donquevegas: Was. Was! It's too small to recruit in, and we can never move around any goods with such a small hold. This crew needs a war brig. Jac: But the Big Mullet is my favorite boat in the whole ocean! Donquevegas: Look at her! There is mold in her hold. There are nails in her sails. There's a lump in her sump Big enough to clog the pump-- Jac: But-- Donquevegas: Mate, We have got to go appraise her 'Fore her raiser's razors raze her, And no one goes to war with a sloop! Sometimes I fear you're booched. [Janthina has been compulsively drinking rum at Ripping Yarns; now she swallows, wiping her hands and mouth, and starts skipping.] Janthina: Onto the boat, It's time to go, I hate to weave, I work here, though. Onto the boat, It's time and so I must begin my voyage. Onto the boat, To gun for Stiiv Is where I am Expected, Jam, Onto the boat with grand-master sails! Nerak: You're certain of your way? Janthina: The way is clear, My charts are good, I have no fear Of brigs (I should.) The holds are all stocked, With hemp and with wood, I sort of hate to ask it, But what's up with that casket? Jammer [pushing her out of the store]: Don't stray and be late. Nerak: And save some of that rum for the rest of the crew! Janthina: Onto the boat And down to Cnoss The path is straight, I won't get lost, Onto the boat We'll see who's boss When we start up our voyage, Onto the boat To bring some rum To crewmates who Were wantin' some. Never can tell Which ones are drunk, For all that I know, They've already sunk. But onto the boat! Onto the boat! Onto the boat with grand-master sails And divvy 'fore port! [Lights up on Spring, where Lily is still slaving away. The bilge is 99% clear.] Lilymorgan: Swim, fish, Back to the sea, Back in the swells With the jells And the crabs And the-- Parka: Hurry up and clear the hold, Lilymorgan! [to Russel] Dude, why are you wearing that? Russel: God the water in here's cold, Lilymorgan! [to Parka] 'Cause I likes me my black hat :P Lilymorgan: That looks wonderful. Parka: I know. Russel: She means me. Parka [to Lilymorgan]: Go restock the ship. Russel: Who will be there?.. [Russel and Parka continue babbling underneath.] Lilymorgan [to herself]: Autumn said be good, Stormy said do fine, That was always bottom line. So be fine, Lilymorgan, Good, Lilymorgan, Fine good good fine-- Russel: More rum! Lilymorgan: What's the good of being good With Ultimates galore It's always like you're doing Poor! Never mind, Lilymorgan, Kind Lilymorgan-- [accenting each word by plunking down a pint of rum] Fine good good fine good fine-- Russel [screams and planks Lilymorgan]: Not THAT much rum! Lilymorgan: Sorry. Russel: Noob. Parka: Hee he hee-- [Russel glares at him] hee hee-- [stops] Narrator (Spinn): Because Jammer wasn't getting any supplies at the dock -- well, that's at least what he believed -- him and Nerak were really bored and wanted to finance a bigger boat for the crew so they could go forage and pillage and pillage and forage and... [Knock on Ripping Yarns's door] Jammer: Who might that be? Nerak: We have sold our last bolt of cloth... Jammer: It's Thanos, from the ironmonger next door! [Thanos enters] Nerak, Jammer: We have no cloth. Thanos: Of course you have no cloth! I'm stockpiling it all, you dweebs! Jammer: What d'ye want? Thanos: It's not what I want. It's what YOU want. (Points to the open, empty wooden chest) Nothing clinking in there now, is there? Narrator (Spinn): The Dark Lord went on to tell the couple that he had been totally griefing their store. Jammer: What for? Thanos: In the past, when we were all getting our first shops on Midnight, your flagmates frequented my ironmonger quite a bit. They were very good neighbors, but not very good customers. You see, my shopkeeper had made an error and was selling cannonballs way below cost. But your flagmates took one look at my beautiful stockpile, and what they ordered, more than anyone in the world, was: Shot, shot, and nothing but shot. Cannon, powder, iron, lead, and storage tanks, Fireballs and flint and steel and Powder spoons and shovels--! They said, "All, right," But it wasn't, quite, 'Cause I caught 'em and I shot 'em, And I gave 'em a fright! They were robbing me! Raping me! Rooting through my rudiments and Raiding all my radar guns and Ripping off my store keeper, My poor keeper, my officer! I should have declared war right there! Could have sunk them in a second... how'd they dare... But I let 'em have a second chance, I've balls to spare, In return, however, I said "Fair is fair, You'll return all of those cannonballs, I now declare. And we'll call it square." Jammer: I missed out on that? Thanos: Yeah. But I'm still pissed off about it. Narrator (Spinn): But Thanos refused to talk any more of the exploit. He went on: Thanos: I thought I had been MORE than reasonable, and that we all might live peacefully ever after. But how was I to know what your flagmates had also ordered from my shoppe? See, when I bought the thing, my managers warned me that we'd be screwed if we were ever to lose any of the Foils. Jammer, Nerak: Foils? Thanos: The SPECIAL Foils. I let them go, I didn't know They'd ordered my foils! I was watching them march Back out of the arch, And then bang! Crash! The waves go splash! And--well, that's another story, Never mind-- Anyway, at last The big day came And they made their claim. "Oh, don't take away our foils," My crewmates screeched, But you did, And you hid 'em where they'll never be reached. So we were denied, Shouts of "WAR!" were cried, And for extra measure, I admit it was a pleasure, I said, "Sorry, you don't cross Crimson Tide." And I gave my flag a small decree. To scup ye. That yer shops to be would never see another sole commodity. [laughs] SO, there's no more tarting, There's no more toils, And my shoppes all thrive, You should see my apoth's oils! But I'm telling you the same I tell plebes and royals-- Don't ever never ever mess around with my spoils! Especially the foils. [Thanos sweeps his black cape around, and the stage goes dark.] [Lights up on Jac and Don.] Donquevegas: Now listen to me, Jac. Sail over to Berth of a Sailsman and find out the best price you can possibly get for a War Brig, and whether you can get any trade-in for this stupid sloop. Take no less than 5k poe. Are you listening to me? Jac: Yes. Donquevegas: Now how much are you to ask for? Jac: No more than 5k poe. [he pinches her ear] Donquevegas, Jac: No LESS! Than five. Donquevegas: Jac Jac Jac, Under attack, The boat is getting older, This is not a time for sailing, Mast and tack Starting to crack The brigands getting bolder, The sails gone slack, The ocean's getting colder, The captain's not back, And we wish we could be sailing pretty frigs. To sail and dodge From day to day Will never keep The brigs away. So onto the boat, And in the loop Is where you'll go To get the scoop. Onto the boat To sell the sloop You must begin the voyage. To Alpha you go And don't delay-- You have to face The marketplace. Onto the boat to make the trip-- Jac: Onto the boat to sell me ship-- Donquevegas: Someday you'll have a real boat, Jac. Jac: A schooner? [Don shakes his head in disbelief, as they walk off stage.] Narrator (Spinn): Meanwhile, Thanos, for purposes of his own, explained how Jammer and his crew could make peace with Crimson Tide: Thanos: You wish to have The war dispersed? I'll need a certain Item first. Go to the seas and bring me back: One: the Yarrow as white as milk, Two: a gallon of Kraken's blood, Three: the Hemp as yellow as corn, Four: the Leushite as pure as gold. Bring me these to the capital Of Midnight In three hours' time, And you shall have, I guarantee, No grief no more From all of we. GET ON YER BOAT! ARRR! [disappears] [Back on Spring:] Autumn: Hey guys, our war brig waits. Time for pillage. Lilymorgan: Now may I go down to Epsilon? Autumn: To Epsilon? Lily, yer sails! Lily, yer nav! Bilging is one thing, but Lily, ye have To do more to sail up to Epsilon And swordfight with the Devs! Parka: The war brig is waiting. Autumn: We must be gone. [they exit with a flourish] Lilymorgan: Gee, bye, guys. I wish... [cries] [Meanwhile, at Ripping Yarns...] Jammer: Look what I found behind Spinn's captain's jacket. Nerak: Six foils. Jammer: I wonder if they are-- Nerak: Thanos's foils? We'll take them with us. Jammer: No! You are not coming. Nerak: I know you could use another hand on board. Jammer: The griefing's on MY shoppe. Only I can get the stuff, The griefing's on MY shoppe. Nerak [over]: No, no, the griefing's on OUR shoppe. We must get the stuff together, The griefing's on OUR shoppe. Jammer [Over]: No. You are not to come and that is final. Now, what am I to return with? Nerak [Annoyed]: You don't remember? The Yarrow as white as milk, A gallon of Kraken's blood, The Hemp as yellow as corn, The Leushite as pure as gold. Jammer [memorizing]: The Yarrow as white as milk, A gallon of Kraken's blood, The Hemp as yellow as corn, The Leushite as pure as gold... Narrator (Spinn) [Over]: And so Jammer, reluctantly, set off to meet Thanos's demands. As for Lilymorgan: Lilymorgan: I still wish to go down to Epsilon, But how am I ever to get down to Epsilon? Jammer [simultaneously]: The Yarrow as white as milk, A gallon of Kraken's blood, The Hemp as yellow as corn-- Nerak: The Leushite-- Jammer: The Leushite as pure as gold... Lilymorgan [Over]: I know! I'll send a /tell to Stiiv And ask him to hire me And tell him I just want to Go up to Epsilon... Jammer: The Yarrow, Kraken's, The Leushite... Nerak: The hemp--! Jammer, Lilymorgan: Onto the boat, It's time to go, We may not sail quite down to Flow, Onto the boat, but even so We have to make the voyage. Jammer, Lilymorgan, Nerak: Onto the boat, The path is straight We hope it's brief, And through the reef Jammer, Nerak: Onto the boat to stop the grief-- Lilymorgan: Onto the boat to go out jobbing-- Nerak: Onto the boat to fetch the things-- Jammer: To do the forage-- Lilymorgan: To go up to Epsilon-- Jammer, Nerak, Lilymorgan, Jac, Donquevegas: Onto the boat Without regret, The chart is down, The course is set. Onto the boat, But not forget- Ting why we're on the voyage. Onto the boat To get our brig, We've left the coop, The sails may droop, Donquevegas: Onto the boat to sell the sloop-- Jac: Onto the boat to get the money-- Nerak: Onto the boat to make them stop-- Jammer: To get the forage-- Lilymorgan: To go down to Epsilon-- Janthina: Onto the boat to load lots of guns... Onto the boat to load lots of guns... All: The way is clear, Our chart's inside, We have no fear Of Crimson Tide. The cannons are full, The brigands are gone, No need to intervene there-- Jammer, Lilymorgan: I think I see a green there... All: Onto the boat And quick to draw But careful not To lose our haul. Onto the boat Who knows what all Is lurking in the ocean? Onto the boat To get the poe To buy our brig That's all we know. Onto the boat-- Lilymorgan: To see the Devs-- Jac, Donquevegas: To sell the sloop-- Jammer, Nerak: To get the forage-- All: To see- To sail- To carp-- To bilge-- To gun-- To nav-- To go down to Epsilon--! Onto the boat! Onto the boat! Onto the boat, And off of the boat, And now we deport!