Fifty Ways to Lose A Contract
(to the tune of "Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover" by Paul Simon)
(new lyrics by Deanna "Four HEARTS, dumbass!" Rubin)


"The problem is all inside your bid," she said to me,
"The contract is easy, you can claim it on trick three.
"I'd like to help you, 'cause as far as I can see
There must be fifty ways to lose a contract."

She said, "It's really not my habit to intrude
Furthermore, I think your splinter bids are often misconstrued
I won't show my suit, at the risk you'll think I cued.
There must be fifty ways to lose a contract."

You just misplay the heart, Bart
Drop a low spade, Wade
No need to finesse, Wes,
Just listen to me.
Give up a trick, Nick
Don't need much to nitpick,
Just guess the wrong split, Kit
And now you're down three!

She said, "It grieves me so to see you going down
I wish there's something I could do to turn your luck around."
I said, "Alright, I get the point,
And would you please expound about the fifty ways?"

She said, "How 'bout instead of bidding no-trump, bid a suit?
And learn to count to thirteen, or the rest of this is moot."
And I realized, her comments were astute
I'd found the fifty ways to lose my contract.
Fifty ways to lose my contract.

You just misplay the heart, Bart
Drop a low spade, Wade
No need to finesse, Wes,
Just listen to me.
Give up a trick, Nick
Don't need much to nitpick,
Just guess the wrong split, Kit
And now you're down three!